1. “Going to a nude beach sounds like a good idea … until you get there. ” — Tucker Max, from Hilarity Ensues.
I’ve always wanted to go to a nude beach … until I read that. (The opportunities in Prude Nation, USA are few and far between. Travel may be require.)
2. Capitalization is important. — Me, 2018.
I’ve always sought a way, an example, to convince the recalcitrant capitalization-less that they ought to reconsider. This may be it: ” … what is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse?” — Tucker Max, from Hilarity Ensues.
3. “Never have sex with anyone crazier than you are. ” — Gary Nichols, R.I.P. ≈1988.
(Corollary: If you are bat-crazy insane, then your number of potential “safe” sex partners is tremendous — the world being your oyster (no pun intended). — Me, 2018)
The Nichols “commandment” is a very good rule, but there can be some snags.
a. The “candidate” may seem, to all appearances, less crazy than yourself, but is actually thoroughly damaged goods.
b. How does one accurately assess one’s relative sanity? Denial or no self-awareness can be fatal.
c. Some people never have a clue; you may be one of these unfortunates. I was clueless until my mid-20s. Ye, getting a clue did not help much, leading to 4.
4. For some, there is no such thing as “safe sex.” — Me, 2018
This does not refer to the inability to employ a condom or any other “proper protection.” It means that — again, for some — all the caution in the world taken in choice of partner won’t change an eventual nasty outcome. This entry tells us that the parnter may be less crazy than yourself but this fact does not prevent big trouble, possibly mayhem. You know who you are!! … unless you don’t. If not, then you just might be headed for a lifetime of misery, provided, of course, that you can anyone to “give you the time of day” AT ALL, but that’s another subject; and it isn’t only a function of good looks or lack of them. I hope you know who you are!
Confession: I have never made a single, not one, good choice. I’m 57, but have only 2/3s of a lifetime of misery, having stayed out of the game for the past 20 years — except for one very, very bad choice, which brings us to 5.
5. Never have sex with your employment boss or superior. — Me, 2007.
Yes, that’s what I did. Here is my cautionary tale, if you have nothing better to do. Otherwise, go to item #6, if there is one!!
In 2007, I was 45 and hired by my sister’s best friend, “Bee,” on the recommendation of my sister — uh, oh. Bee was 47, recently divorced — uh, oh — with 3 grown kids, youngest entering college. Bee needed a person to take-on some of her workload and her boss approved a new-hire to be her apprentice. I was hired.
Everything went well and, being overqualified for the job, I got a 16.6% raise after 4 weeks on the job. One day she said to me, “I can’t look at you when we work near each other. It’s your lips.” I said, “Oh?”
Bee: “They’re too sexy to look at when you talk.” I don’t recall whether I moved my lips to form a response. A few weeks later, she said she wanted to get a motel room and go there together during lunch break.
If you get the meaning of, “staying out of the game for 20 years,” you would infer correctly that I was abstinent for 10 years when I got this proposition. Was it ACTUALLY a requirement of the job, that I would regret refusal? Well, Nichols’ commandment did not enter my brain, but “10 long years” did. I did not say no and we went.
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumbest thing.
Six months later, I got a call from headquarters and was fired, my first time in my life. But that, also, was the first time I fooled around with anyone at work, much less my superior, who was my boss essentially. Coincidence? That didn’t end well.